His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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