Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
