i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
