Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
