This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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