it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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