You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My vagina is officially offended.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
