he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
