I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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