we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
