I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
