For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
