did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The air was thick with penises
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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