I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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