Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
