Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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