we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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