Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
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he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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