She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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