We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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