I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
