Having a random hookup so left but love u
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
