He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
