Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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