fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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