I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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