I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
