im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
