I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
