Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
