He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
