I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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