Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I need moral support for this bender
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
