the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The power of my boobs compel you
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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