The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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