I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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