I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
