nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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