so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
