I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
