just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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