Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
