Welp...herpes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
