i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
