if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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