can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
