The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
