last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
