I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza