Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist