i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?