im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
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she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him