i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.