no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate