I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life