I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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