Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The uberlube is also flammable
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
