Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
