Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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