So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
they're like a gay fantastic four
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
