just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
