i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
