So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
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