Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
